Life is so impossibly hard

Lee Lee-
Once I told you that if I could have been anything, it would be a writer…that’s because when I write, stuff makes so much more sense to me. I was hoping with this letter to help you understand some of the challenges that face you as a new 13 year old…

If the thought of reading this now is about as interesting as watching your sister pull gum out of her hair, put the letter down and read it later. When you’re good and ready, pick it up and start it again…


You stand on a mountainside, surveying the long road you’ve come up…it’s a lot you’ve been through and at 13, it’s not unusual to feel quite proud of yourself in a way. You have made so many strides, learned so much about the world over the course of your life. And now as you begin the work of not just being a kid but learning how to be a young teenager, then a full-fledged teenager, then a young adult, then a 20 something, 30 something, 40 something and so on…you find yourself coming up against all these barriers!

It seems that all the people who say they “love” you and “care” about you have these impossibly high standards. They (and of course by ‘they’ I mean your Mom & Dad, Me, Auntie Gina, your Bahma and Lita) always seem to want something of you…perhaps you even feel that your best efforts, your best intentions always come up wanting in our eyes. That’s another way of saying that you may feel that we’re constantly badgering to do things a certain way. Always demanding that you have to play by a set of regulations that seem to make no sense…especially in light of what you’ve learned about life up to now.

Well…as I’m sure you have heard your parents say to you, contrary to what you may believe now, we’re not trying plan out your entire existence or ruin it or make you into a pretty robot that does exactly what we say you should do. We’re just trying to help you navigate this bumpy road called life.

Let’s change gears for a moment and take a look at your relationship with Alyssa. She of course, strong-willed little 5 year old that she can be, looks at her life and says…

”Wow, I’ve come a long way! I can talk and walk and dance like a big girl.
I understand how things work. I’ve seen how Sissy and Mom & Dad and all my friends make stuff happen. No one can tell me what I don’t already know or can figure out myself!”

HAH!

You as her big sister can SEE what she’s facing…you can SEE the big craggy rocks in her path, the sharp drop off’s and wrong turns that will confuse her. You know that she’ll fall down, get scrapped, and have a generally terrible time unless someone who adores her continuously shows her (whether she wants to hear this or not) what NOT to do. Yes, you are trying to tell her what will save her from trouble (big kinds and little kinds)…but when you tell her, it comes off sounding like you’re a know it all at best and a bossy big sister at worst.

Here’s the thing… you love her and by virtue of your birth dates you can’t help knowing seven more years worth of stuff than her…you can’t help but understand more than she does! You’ve already been through what she’s been through and you know where the pitfalls are. You’ll always know more about life because you are seven steps ahead. You WANT to save her from her own ignorant decisions. Alyssa can’t help that she doesn’t know. She’s still growing and you’re itching to help her before she gets in trouble (I’m sure though that half the time she gets into trouble ANYWAY!)

Yet she hates it when people stop her from doing stuff she just KNOWS she can already do and then on top of that TELL HER to do stuff in ways that make no sense.

“Why are you bossing me around Sissy? I can do it myself”.
(Even though we all know she can’t…not without help)

Big Sigh. Kinda sucks.

Now, shift gears. Undignified as it may seem, from our vantage point, you are unfortunately as blinded by youth as Alyssa is. Actually, you’re in good company, we all are blind to what’s ahead…it’s just as we get older, we start understanding and accepting that we don’t know what’s in front of us. That may be hard to wrap your head around at 13.

Anyway, from where we stand we see beautiful, young, energetic you standing on your 13 year old hill. No doubt about it, you’ve been through a lot! You’ve learned A LOT and up to this point in life you’ve been an excellent student of life. But a shift in your perception is happening and all those well-meaning tips and tricks that we’ve been throwing your way ( better known as ‘rules’) are feeling more than a little restrictive.

Why can’t all of us (your Mom & Dad, me, Auntie Gina, Bahma, Lita) just lighten up a little? Why do we expect so much? Why all the limitations when, you know, you’ve got a lot of this stuff figured out already?

Ok, the punch line is fairly obvious at this point. From our vantage point up in the higher mountains of life, we see the slog uphill you face and we actually love you enough that we don’t want you to run yourself off the edge. Please believe me when I say that in the exact same way that you try to lead Alyssa to a safe place in her life, our “rules and expectations” are just manifestations of us trying to save you from falling into the same traps that bedeviled us when we were your age. Traps that have very long repercussions…if you can believe it some traps have consequences that affect you 5,10, 20, 30 or even 40 + years into the future.

Granted, we’re imperfect people so our message may come across kind of screwy and bossy…completely off the mark even. You may believe that we simply don’t understand what it’s like for kids your age…that your life today is different. On that front you’d be right…and wrong.

Of course we don’t know what’s it’s like to be in your skin! Many challenges you’ll be faced with… some of that crap we may never have been through (so sorry Lee Lee!). Each generation has to go through their own personal hell…times the previous generation may not understand. But that doesn’t mean we as your ‘elders’ don’t have valuable, timesaving and even lifesaving info to pass on to you (again, think about you and your sister).

It’s not that you’re not smart but you just haven’t been where we’ve been yet and we’re trying to tell you that some of the things you think are not a problem, will in fact lead to BIG Problems.

And the Stuff that you think you can handle? A good chunk of it…you’re going to screw up…merely because you don’t know the ropes yet.

And even though we KNOW that part of growing up is about making mistakes and learning from your mistakes, we’re trying to give you the answers on the exam before hand…so that the exam isn’t so painfully hard. You have to admit, that kind of makes sense doesn’t it?

Now…here’s the take home message: We don’t have every single answer but—irritatingly--- as your collective family we’ve sure got a heck of alot already figured out! We aren’t perfect but we have been tested by the fires of life much more than you have been and when we tell you things you don’t want to hear (you know what I’m talking about), and stuff you don’t want to listen to (yup…I’m sure that list is a mile long by now), understand that deep down some part of what we’re telling you is important for you to hear and learn from.

So before you reject what we’re saying as BS, just think about what we’re saying. I know even as I write this that your poor little emotional heart won’t always be able handle it. And you’ll just want to run away.

What can I say? Maybe for now just remember, this too shall pass. No, you won’t forget the hard times, but some of them will one day stop being so painful. (thank GOD!!!)

I started out writing this letter for your birthday this year and then I realized, this letter is really for the future Aliyah…the one who will understand this better in 10 or 15 years…
Glad you made it through girly!

I love you so much, we all do.

Happy Birthday Aliyah,
Love,Tia